


The Show Must Go On

by Swrlp_13



Series: The TJ Kippen Series [2]
Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: F/M, High School, M/M, Panic Attacks, Platonic Tuffy bc I love them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23473336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swrlp_13/pseuds/Swrlp_13
Summary: (A collection of one-shots, based off of Talk Me Down, my canon TJ POV fic)It's High School.  TJ Kippen has "definitely won at life" according to his boyfriend.  He has a boyfriend!  He's a Freshman on Varisty.  He has a rock solid collection of people who are more than willing to have his back.But he hasn't won at life.  He still isn't brave.  He isn't the star athlete on campus like he was before.  The strain of a "secret" relationship is starting to take a toll on his boyfriend.  And what's worse, the more stressed he gets the more numb he starts to feel.  He doesn't feel like he can handle one thing, let alone everything.  How's he supposed to get through life if he can't even handle High School?
Relationships: Buffy Driscoll/Marty, Cyrus Goodman/T. J. Kippen
Series: The TJ Kippen Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1688599
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. Club Fair

**Author's Note:**

> "The show must go on/ Inside my heart is breaking/ My makeup may be flaking/ But my smile, still, stays on" -The Show Must Go On, Queen
> 
> This would have come out a long while ago, but I've been concussed pretty much this whole quarantine and recovery's been slow and it's hard to write when your brain isn't about complex thinking. Anyways, I'm bored and we all need some light this quarantine, so hopefully I can churn out a few "one-shots" here. Thank you for all of you that read my fan-fic preceeding this story, seriously, thank you so much! I appreciate you all, deeply. And for those just along for some one-shots bc we're all bored and AM will never die, thank you for taking the time to journey with me and TJ!

_Early September_

"I'm so excited, tell me you guys aren't excited about this?" Cyrus had been eager and jumpy since the morning, but as we met at our lunch table and attempted to scarf down our food as quickly as possible, honestly he was starting to get annoying.

Not that I could tell him that, he looked so completely excited.

"I can't believe there aren't any sports clubs," Cyrus scoffed, in genuine disbelief as he glanced around at the table. Jonah and Marty were busy game planning, I think just as excited as Cyrus was but hiding it much better. Buffy looked mildly uninterested, but then again, she'd been damn near recruited by like 3 clubs in the first couple weeks of school simply because she managed to very quickly make friends with upperclassman.

She also seemed unimpressed by Cyrus' comment.

"That's because the sports club is the team, Cy." Buffy deadpanned.

"I've been given very specific instructions from your mom to not let you join more than 5 clubs," I mumbled offhandedly, but honestly his mom sounded legitimately serious when she dropped us off this morning. I didn't blame her, he'd join all of them if he could.

"But I can't choose!" He whined, pulling out some paper that apparently had been handed out at some point that mapped out what clubs Grant offered.

"Well," Buffy sighed, glancing around to make sure we were all at the table and had all eaten enough we weren't going to complain later, "I guess it's time for Club Fair."

I took the list from him. Skimming it for myself

_Gamer's Club. Chess Club. Drama Club. Photography Club. Student Government. Spanish Club._

Wow, it took up a whole list.

"So I've been told that while the film classes are for Junior and Senior year electives, they suggest being a part of Video Club to prepare you for it," Cyrus listed off, "Can't decide if I want to do drama club...I probably should. Thinking about French club, that'll be fun—" he immediately went quiet as he spotted one of the booths, near the front of the hallway near the cafeteria. Realizing he'd probably stay still forever, Buffy eventually prodded him forward.

"Hey guys, we're the QSA. Queer-Straight Alliance here on campus. Here's a pamphlet, can I answer any questions?" A girl, who was very tall, and dressed in what looked like a Grant High Basketball tracksuit with a rainbow pin on her chest, beamed at us as the group of us sheepishly approached her.

"When do you have meetings? What type of meetings are they? Do you guys do community involvement stuff?" Cyrus almost immediately listed off, his eyes were big; I don't remember the last time he looked so interested in something—which was saying somehting.

The girl looked almost thrown off by his enthusiasm, but after giving herself a few seconds to consider his questions, it was like she'd never skipped a beat, "Well, we have our formal meetings every Wednesday during lunch. But we also meet afterschool everyday just to hang out, for those that feel like they can't be at home. And some of our meetings are informational, so sometimes we'll play informational videos or bring guest speakers in. Other times it's just a hang out or we watch a movie. And yes, we try to get involved with some sort of community event at least once a month—which most of the time ends up just volunteering at our local LGBT center. Any more questions?" She chuckled, "I'm Avery, by the way, VP."

Cyrus genuinely considered it, but apparently she'd answered them all. Plus I think we were both in awe of how like cool, she seemed?

"Well I'll try to be there," he smiled, leaning into me, "hopefully I can convince Teej here to come with."

It was at that point, I glared at him. Beet red and blushing.

Pretending like I was legitimately actively interested in joining the History Club, I muttered, "I'm gonna' check out some other booths", as I attempted to slink away.

I could hear Buffy chide him from behind, "You can't do that, Cy."

"But—"

"You know how TJ gets, you have to give him time..."

I didn't like that they were talking about me, I liked even less that the longer I dated him the more I felt like coming out suddenly involved more than just my choice.

I mean, yeah of course the QSA would have my back, and definitely not judge me, but that didn't mean I was ready to suddenly do things like attend QSA meetings or be out.

That was kind of cool though. Seeing Avery. I'm almost positive she's on the Varisty Women's Basketball team here.

I attempted to pretend like I wasn't upset the rest of lunch, while we shuffled through the fair as a group—but honestly, I think the fact that I didn't really talk to Cy for the rest of lunch probably told him a lot.

Before I knew it, the bell had rung. We had to head to class.

"Come on," Buffy rolled her eyes, nearly yanking me by the forearm as she lead me towards the gymnasium.

She didn't say anything as I broke off to change in the locker room, she didn't even say anything as we later met up for our attendance check. It wasn't until we had both finished our warm up sprints that she finally said anything, "Are you _still_ mad?"

"He can't just like say that like that to people," I grumbled.

"You're acting like someone has some hidden camera in front of the room they have their meetings. People aren't gonna notice if you go to a meeting."

"I know," I groaned, "I'm trying to not...freak out...every time he...gets overly excited. I'm happy he's excited about being out, but I don't want attention."

She rolled her eyes at me, "What's new? You've been saying the same thing for months now."

I glared at her, "You're so much nicer to Cy than you are to me."

"That's cause you only respond to bullying," she scoffed, "Looks like everyone's done with warm up's. Should probably head over before people ask if we're dating again."

I rolled my eyes at her.

* * *

Sometimes I wished I was a year older. It would have meant that my sister could drive me at school. But now she was off at NYU, calling our family like once every 3 weeks while she was busy enjoying her freshman year.

She left the car, something I was free to use once I got old enough to drive it, but that was like 2 years from now.

Instead, I walked about a half mile over to Buffy's house every morning, where one of Cyrus' parents drove us to school. After school, and after practices, normally involved me walking over to the Red Rooster, where my mom would pick me up.

All in all, it involved a lot of walking, and a lot of relying on other people for rides.

Buffy knew that I needed to talk to Cyrus though, so I'm not surprised she found a reason to "run to her locker" the moment we were dropped off. The two of us walked to a bench, our normal morning spot, semi-hidden from plain view since it was obscured by a massive tree. 

"I'm sorry I just pointed you out to the QSA member," Cyrus sighed, "I get excited...but that doesn't excuse it."

I glanced down at my hands, "I'm sorry I'm so sensitive."

"Just remind me when you're out of your comfort zone," he smiled, setting a hand on my hand, "I think I'm good at reading you, but I can't always read your mind."

I nodded at that. "I'm...getting there, okay? I'll come with you to a QSA meeting...but I don't want to be your boyfriend there."

Cyrus furrowed his brow at that, and he probably would have said something had I spoken before he had the chance to.

"I...want to be my own person, okay? I want to be TJ there. I don't want to be Cy & TJ." I paused, "Does that make sense?'

"No?"

I let out a sigh, "I don't know what I mean," I swallowed, "I just, I want to be independent a little, I guess...even there. You can be independent too. I just feel like if we tell people we're a couple the first day they're gonna be all over us as the gay freshman couple, you know?"

He nodded at that, "Is that it?"

I think so. It felt like that's how I felt? I don't know, I was never very good at figuring out my emotions, just that I had them. But this, I felt like that was it?


	2. Basketball Tryouts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Stone cold, stone cold/ You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor/ Stone cold, stone cold/ Maybe if I don't cry, I won't feel anymore." —Stone Cold, Demi Lovato

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a short story? I sort of got excited writing this chapter so now I have ideas. Am I still calling it a one-shot? Idk. That's where we are. Sorry this took so long, apparently it took taking a boring job as an early shift temperature-checker to give me the motivation to write.
> 
> Hopefully everyone's staying safe and binge watching Andi Mack for old times sake.

_Early November_

I knew things would be different in high school. I knew pretty much everything would be different. But as I stared at a collection of like 50 guys standing in front of Head Varsity Basketball Coach Howser, it finally really hit me. I wasn’t in Middle School anymore, I wasn’t guaranteed a spot, this whole 3-day tryout basically guaranteed at least 10 guys would get cut if not more.

And as I stared over at the Seniors who’d become my friends since the summer began, it hit me that for the next 3 days we were enemies. All vying for the same position. And as a I continued to glance over at them, they didn’t look like my friends. They were all taller than me, and masculine, voices much deeper than mine, some of them dawning facial hair, most of them muscular in ways puberty just hadn’t let me be yet. I was staring into the eyes of men. I was still a boy. I didn’t belong.

I couldn’t begin t o guess where I’d be even remotely placed until tomorrow. The coach always expressed an interest in my talent, but never in any overt way that made me feel like I was special. Not to mention there were a lot of seniors on the team this year, and a lot of Juniors fighting for spots as well.

I had to be the best person out there if I was even going to be considered.

After the practice portion of tryout, the coaches had us jog to the school weight room. Where they put us through 30 minutes of conditioning and another 30 minutes of lifting weights.

Considering I only really started to lift weights regularly when those practice sessions started, my body was aching under the weight. My body was aching at the end and beginning of every day.

I mean, at least I sort of looked like I knew how to lift weights—I’d lifted a few times over the years, and a few times this summer— and at least I wasn’t the weakest person there, so I had that going for me, I guess. But damn, did this feel so different from Middle School. Damn did my body hurt. And damn did those Seniors suddenly feel like a world away.

* * *

When all 3 days had passed, I stewed at the lunch table, barely even touching my food, too anxious to even attempt to eat.

I’d gotten a text from a couple of the Seniors that the team lists were up, it’d been up since First Break apparently.

They didn’t say if I’d made it.

“Okay, we’re going.” Buffy commanded, immediately rising from her seat with a determination that honestly sort of scared me. She quickly stomped over to where I was standing.

As less girls overall tried out for the Women’s Basketball teams, their tryout had been a day shorter than ours. Naturally, Buffy made Varsity, so of course she was calm.

Without meaning to, I immediately turned towards Cyrus, who was watching the both of us curiously.

I mean, I didn’t want to go at all. But I think I wanted Cyrus to be there for it.

But he didn’t move, and suddenly Buffy was pulling on my arm. I didn’t have a choice. And Cyrus wasn’t following us.

“I…I’m fine. I’ll look at it real quick before practice…after school.”

“Just rip off the band-aid, Kippen.”

“Why are you making me go?” I grumbled, attempting to pull my arm out of her grip, but she was deceptively strong. I was trapped, and she was nearly dragging me.

“Why…why can’t Cyrus come?”

“This is your thing, Kippen,” Buffy scoffed, “You don’t need Cyrus there for _everything_ ,” she paused, “Besides, if things go bad, I don’t think Cyrus trying to comfort you is going to make you feel any better.”

It was true. If I didn’t make a team at all, I’d probably just run away from Cyrus and end up yelling at him for trying to comfort me.

After what felt like a daunting five minutes, we finally reached the doorway of Howser’s classroom.

Three crisp white pieces of paper were taped to the door.

Petrified, I approached the lists.

I started with Varsity. There were 12 names on the list. I carefully scanned over every name.

I scanned again.

I scanned a third time.

My name wasn’t there.

A knot developed in the pit of my stomach.

So I wasn’t good enough. After everything, and how hard I worked, I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t better than the older boys.

Horrified, I scanned the JV list. And there, 3rd name down in bold lettering to indicate I was a starter, read ‘TJ Kippen’.

I was a JV starter.

I couldn’t bear to look at Buffy. I couldn’t say it.

I didn’t have to. She saw my face as I scanned the lists.

“Hey, everything happens for a reason,” she offered, setting a hand on my shoulder.

I immediately turned away from her, “Easy for you to say, you made Varsity.”

“And I’m a second stringer. Only going on as a relief. I’m a bench player, TJ. At least you’re guaranteed playing time.” She paused, “If you had made Varsity, you’d probably be on the bench too. This is a good sign, the coach probably wants to make sure you’re getting playing time.”

My lips thinned at that, “I…I don’t want to hear that from someone who made Varsity.”

She nodded at that, “It sucks TJ. It does. I’m sorry. But this should just be motivation for you to work that much harder, prove to Coach that he’s wrong.” She paused.

“I…I don’t want to see everyone,” I started to feel out of breath, “I don’t want to look in everybody’s eyes so they can apologize or make fun of me or whatever.”

She rolled her eyes at me. But the panic was setting in.

“Don’t think so highly of yourself TJ. You’re just some Freshman. Half probably don’t know who you are and the other half doesn’t care.”

She started to pull on my arm, leading me towards what I guessed was our locker rooms considering we only had like 8 minutes left of lunch and it was like a 10 minute hike through 3 flights of stairs and two hallways.

Thankfully Buffy didn’t try to press me to run down the stairs, like I half expected her to, but she still dragged me along at a faster pace than I would have liked.

That pace being at all.

I just wanted to stand there in that hallway staring at my name forever.

I didn’t even have it in me to feel disappointed. I just…I just felt empty. Defeated. Proof of one more thing that I just wasn’t good enough at. The one thing I thought I had, not good enough.

For a moment Buffy removed her hand from my arm, to turn a corner, and despite my internal protestations, I continued to walk.

It wasn’t like I wanted to walk. It was like my body carried me down the stairs.

In horror, I seemed to watch myself trudge down the stairs. I felt sort of dizzy even.

Realizing I was suddenly meandering in no real meaningful way, Buffy stopped and glanced at me.

Her voice was distorted, like when you try to yell at someone through a window. I glanced at her, for a moment realizing she was talking.

She was talking in my direction.

To me? She was talking to me.

This interaction went on for what felt like forever. Before finally Buffy furrowed her brow, grabbed my hand and pressed it against the cold metal of the handrail.

I didn’t really even process that my hands felt sort of numb until she did that.

“TJ.” The voice was clearer this time. Directed at me.

“Yeah?”

“You-you spaced out for a minute.” She rambled.

I let go of the rail, attempting to brush past her now, “We should…we should get to class.”

I didn’t really mean it, but the moments of not wanting to move at all were quickly replaced by a desire to immediately move, as if moving would somehow keep my head clear of the thoughts that I’d somehow abated for at least a moment.

“No, you turned pale and just stopped, what happened?”

I shrugged, a sudden sense of anxiousness threatening to burst out of a box I’d so carefully kept locked so far. “Nothing.” I said, but it was almost as if I hadn’t. It was quiet, said from some place that evidently just wanted to move on. To ignore all this.

She furrowed her brow, “I…I don’t believe you.” She paused, “but you’re not going to admit it either way, are you.”

When I shook my head at her, she frowned at me.

“Are you _that_ bothered by this?”

That set me off, I couldn’t help myself. That box inside me opened, but even still with all my anger, my outburst was more subdued than I expected. Instead it came out like a quiet whine, “Of course I’m bothered, Buffy. This was supposed to be the one thing I was good at.”

She nodded at that, “Me and you, we’re gonna’ work extra hard, both of us this season. Extra conditioning sessions, skills sessions, time in the gym. We won’t be the freshman they underestimate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know in the intro it says he's a freshman on varsity, and he will be...eventually. But having him not make it made for some interesting development especially in terms of his clearly declining mental health. I don't know, I think it's fascinating how anxiety and mental health issues manifest differently for different people. Especially in terms of how they deal with it or avoid it. And for TJ, for me with his insecurities and general sense of shame and lack of self worth at times, it made sense that his would manifest in attempting to feel as little as possible. It was interesting to write, and honestly that alone is enough motivation for me to write just to have the opportunity to explore TJ's psyche.
> 
> Thanks for reading. This whole story clearly took on a life of it's own haha.


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